Seven Things to Work on in 2024
Divest yourself from toxicity in increments
Childhood trauma survivors tend to second-guess themselves, and in response, when actively engaged in our own healing, we tend to try to work on All The Things At Once. Because we don’t know which one is the “right” one to start with.
But Working On All The Things At Once is overwhelming, and causes us to give up on ourselves and our healing work, declaring it too much.
I think the best thing that a childhood trauma survivor who is estranged, thinking about estranging or trying to stay and work on things can do is go to therapy. A good therapist can help you sort through your past hurts and hone in on what patterns you can change in the present.
But the reality is, there’s a therapist shortage. Even among those with financial resources and easy access to mental health services, along with the chronically under-served, there can be multiple barriers to treatment, including long wait times before you can meet one on one with a therapist.
This is my own list of things to focus on in 2024 on my own healing journey. Hopefully it helps put things in perspective while you are waiting for treatment, doing your own work, in your therapy. They are seven things that I believe have and will give me the most change and movement for the effort.
Focus on YOUR feelings and not theirs. Survivors tend to do mental gymnastics around whether others are mad at them and can easily lose sight of their own feelings in a storm of placating, fawning, fighting or fleeing others. If you are around a problematic person, how do you feel? Instead of asking if they are mad at you, ask, am I angry or resentful (or sad, disappointed, etc.) towards them? We have internalized being gaslit so much that we gaslight ourselves right out of our own insights and true feelings. That can prolong unhealthy connections, prevent us from setting boundaries, and halt healing.
Slow down! In order to know your own feelings, you might need some space from the offending party. In order to have space, we need time. Time is just what a toxic person doesn’t want to give you. It’s ok to not be available, ask others to give us space, and ask them to give us time. If they keep pestering you after you have asked for time, and immediately run right over your requests for space, like my own father did, that is valuable information. I needed time and space to sort through my estrangement feelings—guilt, grief, anger, disappointment—before I could even be emotionally regulated enough to think about what I need in order to repair the relationship, let alone talk about it. Manipulative and/or anxious people don’t give you the time to think.
Reparent your inner child. Recognize when you are too triggered to have a rational conversation. That is your inner child speaking to you. What does this child need? Probably for your inner adult to take over. Again, slow down. Locate and name your feelings. Locate your inner adult and tell that child, “we have got this. I believe and love you. We are no longer in that situation and I will keep you safe.” Do your best to discern between well-meaning-but-annoying people who hit old triggers, and truly toxic people who do harm.
Say “no” often. No, I can’t go to your party. (Even if you love the host but are not up for social activity. Even if you feel bad. Even if they say they’ll miss you.) It’s ok to say no for other reasons besides “I know this will be a shit show.” For example: you just might be tired. Or not feeling social. Or without the energy you need to make a commitment beyond the ones you are handling now. But definitely if you know something will be a shit show? Say no!
Have one-on-one conversations in an effort to resolve conflicts. Don’t triangulate. Get more comfortable with awkwardness, pauses, and waiting to speak. If you are airing a grievance or criticism, make it constructive and try to keep to one topic at a time.
Activities of Daily Living. Anyone in the mental health field will know this by the acronym ADLs. They are a measure of how functional in the world a person is at any given time—if the person can muster the energy for the basics—a sleep routine, basic hygiene, chores, tasks. I like to expand the idea into a larger definition of self-care. I have a checklist for when I start to feel wonky and emotional.
How much sleep have I gotten?
Am I hungry? Am I uncomfortably full?
Have I taken my meds?
Have I had enough water?
Do I need to shower/brush my teeth/moisturize/sunscreen?
Is there a small chore I could do that would relieve some anxiety?
Can I reach out to someone in some small way? (maybe asking for help, but maybe just to create a connection.)
Self-Compassion. Recently I read Self Compassion and Fierce Self Compassion by Kristin Neff. The concepts within those books help me be more forgiving, understanding and brave while still holding myself accountable for the things I value and expect from myself.
Honestly, that’s enough to work on. Happy New Year, estrangers! Let me know what you would like to see me write about next year. And thanks for reading.